Stillwater Hustle

Lesson learned: When a friend asks you to help out at her wedding, make sure she knows what the Hell she's talking about.

So Pants and I went to Stillwater Saturday for a friend's wedding. She had emailed a few weeks before and asked if I could help some. When I told her I'd have to be working the night before and would only be able to do things a few hours before the wedding she assured me it'd be OK and that I'd just have to stand outside and get the wedding party lined up before they entered the chapel. Liar.

I got there two hours before the wedding started, expecting to get a typed up program and for things to be running as smoothly as things do for weddings. I'm not sure how everyone else's weddings were planned, but for ours, everyone who was doing ANYTHING for us, knew months in advance and had a printed out list of when and where to be. We thought of pretty much everything. The only thing I can think of that didn't go according to plan or that we had forgotten was the bridesmaids shawls. Not a biggie because they were gorgeous without them. On time, written programs, everyone knowing what they're supposed to do way in advance. That's how I roll.

Anyway, back at the awkward wedding, not having any instructions, I followed the bride into the girls' dressing room to see if I could help anyone. Having asked many times before what I would be doing and having been told very vague things, I brought a bag of hair pins, nail polish, clips, baby powder, safety pins, nail file and clippers, contact solution and cases...you get the point. I was a Camp Fire Girl, what can I say.

I helped the bridesmaids fix their hair when it started to fall down and ended up helping my friend into her gown. Her mother was no where to be found until AFTER all of the work had been done. Interesting. I'm sure most gals think this, but her gown was so ugly. It had really pretty beads, but they were everywhere. It was sleeveless and had a ball gown skirt with no train and this bunch of fabric that came out from the waistline. To make the fit of the dress worse, she kept slumping her shoulders over. I kept wanting to tell her to straighten up and she'd look about ten times better, but, not my wedding, so I kept my mouth shut.

It was then that I spied a printed itinerary. She hadn't made me a copy, but the bridesmaids got one. I stole it and tried to look nonchalant. In the end, I was very happy that I found it, because I wouldn't have known when to do what or who was doing what. She hadn't printed any formal programs for the guests, so no one quite knew what was what or where things were.

Meanwhile, guests were arriving and milling around the outside of the chapel area. I caught the eye of a girl I'd gone to elementary, middle and high schools, and college. Despite all that, we aren't really that close. She asked what I'd been up to and I told her I'd gotten married last year and we'd bought a house. She was quick to ask where and then tell me that she lived in a "better" part of the city. She didn't exactly say it that way, but that's how it came across. She went on to say that her husband was getting his PhD. and knew the groom. I told her, with what little self-importance I could muster about my job, that I was supposed to be getting everyone in line for their entrance to the chapel and really had to get going.

I was embarrassed to say that I didn't remember what the bride's mom looked like. I was wondering how I was going to get these people in order if I didn't know who was who but was saved when the photographer went around and asked the questions for me.

While we were waiting, the bride told me that I'd have to get some of the trays of food they'd ordered out of a fridge across the hall from the reception hall. Oh, and the trays of chocolate-covered strawberries, oh, and the ice. Okayyyyy, so I'd be leaving the service a bit early.

While everyone was getting their corsages and boquets, the bride told the florist I got a corsage as well. I was flattered that she'd thought of me until she added that the only reason I got one was that another server couldn't make it. Gee, really? Thanks!

The best part about the entire wedding was watching the bride and her mom talk with her grandma. All three had tears in their eyes and were slightly shaking. None of them talked for a few minutes, just looked at each other. It made me miss my grandmas so much it hurt. None of my grandparents were alive for my wedding. None of them ever met my husband, but I know that they were with me that day and have been since.

Back to being catty: So I got the family in order, and despite being reminded by me, one of the ushers forgot to light the bride's unity candle and had to go back and do it. Everyone else got in OK and I, almost tripping over the photographer's tripod, snuck in at the last minute to get a seat next to Pants. I showed him on my stolen itinerary when we'd have to escape to start getting the trays of ice, food, strawberries etc.

A minister got up to talk and issued many a religious platitude, among with was "Let your yes be yes, and your no be no." Yeah.....how about may your marriage be blessed and you always respect and love each other? That'd work.

So we make our escape and bring the food to the reception hall. By this time, Pants is getting a bit steamed about having to work on his day off and wear a tie to do it. We bring in the food and are surprised to see four or five older ladies just sitting around the hall doing nothing. Why weren't they assigned to do this if they weren't even going to be in the ceremony??? We set everything out in a pretty manner. (If we're going to do something, it's going to look great!) We set out the strawberries and poured the tea and sat down. A lady came over to tell us we weren't done yet.

So we went back to the table and tried to field questions from guests as they trickled in. No, we didn't know where more cups were, no, we didn't have anything other than tea to serve, I don't care who's diabetic. Seriously, this thing wasn't planned at all. They only had tea to serve and nothing to put ice in, so we had to run back and forth refilling pitchers. People kept asking for water so I stole a church kitchen pitcher and filled it full of tap water. We ran out of cups, there were no trashcans out for people to put their stuff in when they were done, it was just weird and totally not planned right at all. By this time, Pants was really mad. I thought he was going to kill my friend and her parents.

Finally, we went through the receiving line ourselves and I told them we had to get on the road. We made our escape, went to Joe's where we saw other people from the wedding, and then took a driving tour of our old haunts around campus. It was a pretty good day after we got out of that wedding.

We spent most of the time on the way home coming up with potential names for our someday children. We decided on a few that I'll list....

Murdoc (matt)
Clark (kent)
Bruce (wayne)
Spider (jerusalem)
Black Stormy
Elvira Eloise

...you get the picture, mainly comic book names, and some we just thought were funny. We've decided to use these, when the time comes, to horrify and put off our parents. When we really choose a name, no one will know until after said kid is born, and even then, I've told Pants it's the mom that gets the final say.

Coming soon: My pov on the movie "Kung Fu Hustle"